Geoffrey's Monologue - Bed Among the Lentils

Geoffrey is sitting quietly in a pew at the church, a few rows back. He is staring endlessly at the altar. He is dressed in his cassock. It is evening.

I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.  Review the past for me, let us argue the matter together; state the case for your innocence. Isaiah, verse 43, lines 25 and 26. 

[Looks at the audience]

I knew, you know. I suspected it right from the beginning. The way she spoke, what she said, the way she was - it all gave it away. I didn't tell her though. [Looks at altar] God will forgive her, for she has sinned. [Looks back at audience] Susan despises being called Mrs Vicar. I don't think she even believes in God. 'You never see pictures of Jesus smiling, do you?' she asked me, and I respond 'Good point, Susan.' The doubt is a side effect. 

It was hard work though, keeping her secret. I tried to hide the signs of her problem from the world. The Bishop asked me how outgoing Susan is and I told him very. I told him that she tends to the bedside of dying pensioners, arranges the altar flowers, delivers Meals On Wheels and still, miraculously, has the time to put together a delicious lunch. You can probably guess that I lied. I lied to a Bishop in the eyes of God. That wasn't the only time, she knocked over the Carnation Milk once. I turned the other cheek and told everyone it was me. 
The thing is, I don't think I am lying to save Susan - I am lying to save myself. To save my reputation. So does that make me as much of a sinner as her?

[Pause] [Walks over to stand behind the altar, fiddles with Communion wine cup whilst staring at it]

It became apparent to me the day the Communion wine went missing. I was leading a service, you see, and went to retrieve the wine. It had been drank. Susan seemed unconcerned and oblivious to knowing who it was. She told me to just get some normal. 

[Pause]

And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit. Ephesians, verse 5 line 18. 

[Puts cup down and looks at audience, both hands rested on altar]

Do you take me for a fool? Did she do the same? 

[Removes coloured stole from around neck, folds neatly and leaves on altar before returning to pew]

Envy is another side effect. The parishioners are so kind to me, they spoil me rotten. Making me tea and lunch. Susan is never among those. I heard her muttering to herself once about me, saying I had a fanclub. Their kindness kills her. 

[Pause]

Makes a good story though, don't you think? Everyone thinks it has brought us together. Susan thinks that too. We are changed people now, she says. We're a team. I admitted it to the parish and Bishop for my own benefit. Another sin. The Bishop told me I was just the kind of man he was looking for - someone who's been there. Yes, I have been there. I have been there and back (you can say that again). My wife is an alcoholic and had a suspected affair. Although I haven't confirmed the later with her. I can't bear to face more sins.

[Pause]

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you.

[Fade out]

Girls Trip to Porthleven, Cornwall

Lugging five suitcases around Poundland because sixteen-year-olds feel the need to buy loom bands is not the best idea. After finding out that Cornwall doesn't have the words 'student bus ticket' in their vocabulary and then having to hand over £125 to the bus driver for our weekly bus passes, we finally got on the number 2 to Porthleven. 

Our apartment was owned by the most sensible of the six of us, which meant free WiFi that actually worked. Steph decided to take charge when we started complaining about hunger and she mentally turned into a Michelin star chef preparing and cooking a colourful stir-fry, whilst two of the others frantically rushed to watch the next anticipated episode of 'Home and Away'. 

The next day we got back on the beloved number 2 bus, this time to Helston. We had decided to go to one of the three theme parks in Cornwall, Flambards. When we got there we were surprised at the lack of teenagers wandering the park, however, after spending only 2 hours there, we realised why. Flambards is a park for young children and families, not teenagers. As much as we wanted to be a child at heart, there is a limit to the amount of times you can go on a carousel. 

On our way home, after embarrassing ourselves because no one can get up the stairs gracefully when the bus is moving, we found ourselves greeted by a near bus full of children and teenagers. My friends, finding it funny,decided to sit together with no room for me. So I stumbled to the back to sit with a group of college boys. As you can imagine, I was very relived when I got off that bus after listening to half hours worth of cheesy pick up lines and competitions to see who could get our Snapchat names first. 

The next day three out of the five of us decided to take the 2 hour journey to St Ives. St Ives is a beautiful place in the summer. Although there is a downside to this wonderful place; seagulls. After being warned about these pests before eating our ice creams in a secret manner, we ventured along the shore having to dodge other tourists before settling down to get a potential but turned out to be non-existent, tan. Our experience of eating our ice cream with no seagulls attacking us, left us cocky. We ate rolls in full view of the pests. 
A seagull dive-bombed my roll, took a huge chunk and left a bleeding scratch reaching on my hand.

With a potential new scar, we cautiously walked down to the sea, stopping for Steph to insist we take a photo with a boat. 

We then waded through the water to get round a rock, walked towards the bus station and again found ourselves in Poundland. 

On the train home the huge bag of loom bands we had collected actually came in handy in keeping us occupied along with my masterclasses of how to braid hair in four different ways. We also managed to be the highlight of everyone's train journey by energetically dancing along to the songs on my iPod, I think the rest of the train was truly disappointed when we got off. 

Armstrong & Miller; 'Chalky's A Spy'

The writer of this sketch is very clever with how he uses language throughout this piece. It is easy to tell that the writer is deliberately trying to make fun of how young people speak through the use of words and phrases like 'yeah man' and 'I swear down'. The use of these words makes the sketch funny as it is mainly the younger generations that use this type of language. In addition, the whole situation in which the colloquial words are being used are abnormal to us as we don't associate soldiers with using language like 'giving the German's all like spoilers', when thinking about it, we all assume soldiers talk formally so this makes the situation funnier. Also, we know this is a serious topic of conversation so using 'oh my days, that is so two faced' and 'well vexed' makes us laugh as we know it isn't serious but hearing it said that the enemies are 'two faced' makes it hard not to laugh. The use of 'him and Hitler have been talking about me behind my back' is deliberately funny as it gives a very relaxed feel to the war situation these soldiers are supposed to be in and it makes it seem like they are caring about the wrong things. Lastly, the use of the words 'deal with it girlfriend' is trying to relate to young girls when they are angry or sarcastic and hearing it said by a man instead of a girl and specifically a man who is a soldier makes the conversation funnier.

The writer also plays with the language interestingly throughout. Its clear he uses a specific spoken form of language almost like dialect but instead of it being according to a region its more like according to a generation. The writer uses phonology in this sketch to refer to the natural speech of many people. This use helps the audience to relate to what is being said, either because the person might notice that the words being used, they actually use themselves or because they know of others that use it. The type of phonology selected makes the sketch funny for people for different reasons. For example, a parent might find this funny because their child uses this language or a teenager might find it funny because they use this language daily or around their friends. 

The use of simple words such as 'like', even though daily they wouldn't be funny, get laughs in this sketch due to the emphasis on them. Normally, we might not notice these words being used but, purely because of the situation, these words and phrases suddenly become hilarious when used by a soldier in a serious situation. 

Sin City 2 Review Analysis

Sin City 2 Review Analysis;

The author of the Sin City 2 review, Robbie Collins, shows clear use of pragmatics in his piece from the very beginning. The very first words of the review are ‘Film Noir’, now, if you are not a follower of Sin City or have not watched ‘Film Noir’, like me, then right from the beginning you would have no idea what Collins is saying. This choice of words conveys a clear message to readers of who his target audience is and whether you are in it. ‘Film Noir’ deliberately loses the majority of readers from the beginning as this language is very subject specific. He also creates a limit as to who can read his piece because only  very few, specific people could understand what he is trying to say. The use of pragmatics also clearly conveys the purpose of the text. This is to inform mature age groups who are followers of Sin City of what his opinion is of this much anticipated and long waited for, second film.

As this piece is a review, Collins is shown to have clearly thought about the graphology of the text. When writing a review you would want it to stand out so people choose to read it and you would want any pictures used to relate accordingly to the film and Collins has managed to do this successfully.  The most prominent item on the page is the picture. The picture of one, strong and powerful looking woman relates to his use of the words ‘Film Noir’ and furthermore relates to the words ‘femme fatale’.  He uses this picture to give an idea of the film and to tell you that this film strongly shows how one woman is powerful enough to lure different men in before attacking them, like a spider does with its prey.  Collins also uses prominent headings & sub-headings. His use of the words ‘chilly’ and ‘atrocity’ in these headings tells us straight away that this is a dark, cold and cruel film. Lastly, the subheading ‘sin city 2: neither high art nor noir’ is subject to a limited audience, however, once knowing what is meant by ‘noir’ it helps you to understand what his view is on the film from one sentence, before you even start  reading the actual review. Collins’ use of graphology makes his review stand out and tells us what he thinks about the film without having to read on.

An Introduction to Me

(I have chosen to write a short dramatic monologue)

I won't lie and say I have always known what makes me unique. What I have done that makes me different. That I know exactly who I am and who I want to be. However, I didn't get to where I am in life by not fixing problems.

'You only live once' is a phrase I hate. Although when it comes to doing unique things in life we all live by it. I know I live by it. How can you not when you live for the adrenaline rush. Roller-coasters, zip wires, performing, anything that gives the slightest hint of adrenaline. Anything that gets you blood racing is worth doing.

I like to think I am confident, but I know that’s not entirely true. It’s almost like there’s two different sides to me. The girl who’s loud, always laughing and sarcastic around her friends. Then there’s the girl who is shy and quiet around strangers. Confidence is a funny thing. How you have it around some people and not others. It makes different versions of yourself.

My friends and family have shaped me. They mean the world to me. My friends have taught me honesty, trust and true friendship. My sister has taught me to listen, to forgive and to be myself. My mum  has taught me how to be a strong independent young woman. I will be forever in their debt for this . 

I believe I was born in the wrong era. It doesn't come through in how I dress but at heart I am a vintage girl. Lindy Bop's, flapper dresses and bold, bright patterns. Audrey Hepburn, Marilyn Monroe and Grace Kelly. I am just a vintage soul.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together" - Marilyn Monroe